Letters from the Heart
by Cloud Piece
Summary: Of tea, stabbing and villains. Aizen writes letters to random people, from fans to Hitsugaya Toshiro to Tite Kubo, and he means what he writes from the bottom of his heart.
1. Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

**I'm on a sugar high and this is the result.**

* * *

Dearest fans,

It has recently come to my attention that some of you have come to the impression that I hold homosexual thoughts for a few of my enemies and my fellow villain Gin. While I do love the attention and free tea I have been given through fan mail (the humours pictures of felines and cups in email are a pleasant touch) I still must address to these rumours.

I do not have any feelings of lust towards a shinigami/vizard/hollow/arrancar/human/fullbring/condom/butterfly/troll of any sex. I am only in love with myself and the beautiful pleasure that is taking over the world. Kurosaki Ichigo is my enemy and I will never get naked with him. He only exists for me to troll him and troll him I shall until the very end.

Momo exists for me to stab her. I will stab Momo whenever I please, and there is nothing Hitsugaya can do to stop my stabbings. NOTHING! MWAHAHAHAHA-

Ahem. Moving on.

Romance has become a petty thing in life. Why are you humans so obsessed with romance when you can have a ruler like me?

On another note, since when were you under the impression that you were reading a letter? Who said that this note was from Lord Sosuke Aizen?

Oh. It says my name in the start. Never mind my foolishness there. Or was I really acting foolish? No one shall know my real intentions.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dearest fans,

The Heart.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. Art thou prejudiced brethrens?

* * *

Dear Hitsugaya,

I'm stabbing Momo

You're stabbing Momo

Everyone is stabbing Momo

Momo is being stabbed

We shall all stab Momo

Stabbing Momo is fun

I'm about to attack you from behind

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Tite Kubo,

Seriously? Butterfly wings growing out of my ass? A condom? As if I don't have enough problems with the homosexual rumours already.

It's about time I reveal my secret, Kubo. You were never drawing me… you never once controlled my actions. You created me, but that is your greatest crime. From now on… I shall be the one in control of the series.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. Thanks for letting me out of prison and everything.

* * *

Dear Juha Bacha,

I thought I was embarrassed by my minions and my appearance, and then I saw you. I must say, what does it feel like to be a Hitler reborn and have Nazi minions?

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. I apologise for Aizen's racist like comment. Although, he does have a point. Are all Quincies German? - Ichimaru Gin

* * *

Dear Juha Bacha,

I am deeply sorry. Your evilness is nowhere near as horrible as those Fullbringers. Please forgive me.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Orihime,

INOUE-CHAN! INOUE-CHAN!

Can you see how annoying this is, pathetic boobs? I didn't even spend that much time with you and I'm not that Kurosaki boy but even I can tell that you're annoying as all get out.

Please stop.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dearest fan girls,

What on Heuco Mundo do you mean '_embrace the homo_'? Is this meant to be slang for something?

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Hipsters,

Your attempts to con me into the 'swag' side are a waste. I do not know what this 'Tumblr' that you speak of is, and I have no intention of finding out. You shall all perish first and give me my Nutella back.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. #yolo? Bitches please.

* * *

Dear Obito Uchiha,

You have no reasons behind your actions. Destroying the world because your girl died? Seriously?

Why have we not met before?

I have come with the offer of an alliance. Together we shall destroy the world and no one shall know our true intentions.

Want to hook up?

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Justin Beiber

No.

Just no.

Fuck you, the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear great Lord Aizen-sama,

I think you're pretty sexy.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Yamamoto,

Haha, you got OWNED by a little kid.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Gin,

I must thank you for this pathetic mortal internet speak dictionary. It is quite amusing.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Kurosaki Ichigo,

I wrote you a song.

_Your name is Kurosaki Ichigo and you are a_

_Human_

_Until a girl named Rukia plunged her sword into your body_

_And the you became a Humangami._

_You went on adventures with friends_

_Then you became a Hollmangami._

_As if that wasn't enough, _

_You became a Vihollmangami_

_What the actual Soul Society?_

_And then, to fuck it all up,_

_You became a Vihollmangamibringer._

_And let's add a Quincy there too._

Are you even a unique person anymore or must you insist on ripping other people's species?

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Momo,

**-stabs-**

Love the Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Tite Kubo,

Do you want any further proof that I am taking over Bleach? Just look at your backgrounds. What backgrounds, you ask?

Exactly. I have been erasing this world of yours from the beginning.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Cloud Piece,

This has gotten very out of character. Delete this and your pathetic existence now.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Kuchiki Byakuya,

If we had a baby together he would be the Queen of Glittering Butterflies.

Just saying.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Espada,

The meeting this Sunday has been cancelled due to the weather. We shall plot our plot do destroy the world on Tuesday instead. Do not forget to bring a present for Tosen, who is celebrating his 400th birthday on the Wednesday. He would like to have a book to read.

Friday lunch is on this week. We are going to McHollow's. Bring the souls of your enemies to pay for it.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Soul Society,

I need my glasses back. I can't see and I'm having one of my minions write this out. Bring my glasses back to me and may consider not making your deaths as painful as I had planned.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear reader,

I planned for you to read this letter. I planned this from the very beginning. In fact, I planned this before you were even born. Yes… all of your actions to date have all played in the palm of my hand.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I may be a condom

I may be a butterfly with wings growing out of my ass

I may have a mullet

I may have messed up the Pokémon evolution cycle

But at least I've got a nose.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Yammy,

WHY THE FUCK DID I HIRE YOU YOU FUCKING ELEPHANT DUNG HEAD YOU GOT FUCKING OWNED BY 2 FUCKING INJURED CAPTAINS ARE YOU FUCKING WEAK OR SOMETHING AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET FIGHTING SCREENTIME WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID I EVER HIRE YOU.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. FUCK YOU YOU BITCH.

* * *

Dear Ukitake,

I think you need a Doctor.

Dooweeeooo oooo ooo oooo

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Grimmjow,

Just because you've got your arm back does not mean you're useful again.

Now get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dearest Reader,

You are now under my command. Your foolishness has covered your senses and you have not realised that this has all been my plan.

**-stab from behind-**

Goodbye, loyal reader. You were useful…

...For a reader.

Love the great Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

**OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS CAME FROM I DON'T EVEN LIKE BLEACH ANYMORE WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING –dies-**

**(I do like Bleach, but I don't like the Aizen power up bits and Fullbring. A some of the 1000 year blood war arc)**

**Thoughts just popped into my head, and this is created. Not sure if I'll create more of these, might do a few more characters but we'll see. This was also created in about 30 minutes so yeah.**

**I am right behind you and I am not afraid to stab you if you do not review. Nah, just kidding. Unless your name is Momo. Then I'll stab you.**


	2. Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

**I'm currently writing up the second series of letters. In the meanwhile, have this Gizoogle version of the first chapter. I might do this for every chapter, actually.**

**This was so fun to read over.**

* * *

Dearest fans,

It has recently come ta mah attention dat a shitload of yo ass have come ta tha impression dat I hold homosapien thoughtz fo' a few of mah enemies n' mah fellow villain Gin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. While I do ludd tha attention n' free tea I have been given all up in hustla mail (the humours picturez of felines n' cups up in email is a pleasant touch) I still must address ta these rumours.

I aint gotz any feelingz of lust towardz a shinigami/vizard/hollow/arrancar/human/fullbrang/condom/butterfly/troll of any sex. I be only up in ludd wit mah dirty ass n' tha dope pleasure dat is takin over tha ghetto. Right back up up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Kurosaki Ichigo is mah enemy n' I will never git naked wit his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude only existz fo' mah crazy ass ta troll his ass n' troll his ass I shall until tha straight-up end.

Momo existz fo' mah crazy ass ta stab her muthafuckin ass. I will stab Momo whenever I please, n' there is not a god damn thang Hitsugaya can do ta quit mah stabbings. NOTHING, muthafucka! MWAHAHAHAHA-

Ahem. Movin on.

Romizzle has become a petty muthafuckin thang up in life. Why is yo ass humans so obsessed wit romizzle when yo ass can gotz a rula like me?

On another note, since when was yo ass under tha impression dat yo ass was readin a letter, biatch? Who holla'd dat dis note was from Lord Sosuke Aizen?

Oh. It says mah name up in tha start. Never mind mah foolishnizz there. Or was I straight-up actin foolish, biatch? No one shall know mah real intentions.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dearest fans,

Da Heart.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

P.S fo' realz. Art thou prejudiced brethrens?

* * *

Dear Hitsugaya,

I be stabbin Momo

You're stabbin Momo

Everyone is stabbin Momo

Momo is bein stabbed

Our thugged-out asses shall all stab Momo

Stabbin Momo is fun

I be bout ta battle yo ass from behind

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Tite Kubo,

Seriously, biatch? Butterfly wings growin up of mah ass, biatch? A condom, biatch? As if I aint gotz enough problems wit tha homosapien rumours already.

Itz bout time I reveal mah secret, Kubo. Yo Ass was never drawin me… yo ass never once controlled mah actions. Yo Ass created mah crazy ass yo, but dat is yo' top billin crime. From now on… I shall be tha one up in control of tha series.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. Thanks fo' lettin mah crazy ass up of prison n' everythang.

* * *

Dear Juha Bacha,

I thought I was embarrassed by mah minions n' mah appearizzle, n' then I saw yo ass fo'sho. I must say, what tha fuck do it feel like ta be a Hitla reborn n' have Nazi minions?

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. I apologise fo' Aizenz racist like comment fo' realz. Although, he do gotz a point fo' realz. Is all Quincies German, biatch? - Ichimaru Gin

* * *

Dear Juha Bacha,

I be deeply sorry. Yo Crazy-Ass evilnizz is nowhere near as wack as em Fullbrangers. Please forgive mah dirty ass.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Orihime,

INOUE-CHAN, muthafucka! INOUE-CHAN!

Can yo ass peep how tha fuck buggin dis is, pathetic titties, biatch? I didn't even spend dat much time wit yo ass n' I be not dat Kurosaki pimp but even I can tell dat yo ass is buggin as all git out.

Please stop.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dearest hustla hoes,

What on Heuco Mundo do yo ass mean 'embrace tha homo', biatch? Is dis meant ta be slang fo' some shit?

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Hipsters,

Yo Crazy-Ass attemptz ta con mah crazy ass tha fuck into tha 'swag' side is a waste. I do not know what tha fuck dis 'Tumblr' dat yo ass drop a rhyme of is, n' I have no intention of findin out. Yo Ass shall all perish first n' give mah crazy ass mah Nutella back.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. #yolo, biatch? Biatches please.

* * *

Dear Obito Uchiha,

Yo Ass have no reasons behind yo' actions. Destroyin tha ghetto cuz yo' ho died, biatch? Seriously?

Why have our crazy-ass asses not kicked it wit before?

I have come wit tha offer of a alliizzle. Together our crazy-ass asses shall destroy tha ghetto n' no one shall know our true intentions.

Want ta hook up?

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Quentin Beiber

No.

Just no.

Fuck you, tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear pimped out Lord Aizen-sama,

I be thinkin yo ass is pretty sexy.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Yamamoto,

Haha, yo ass gotz OWNED by a lil kid.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Gin,

I must fuck yo ass fo' dis pathetic mortal internizzle drop a rhyme doggtionary. It is like amusing.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Kurosaki Ichigo,

I wrote yo ass a song.

Yo Crazy-Ass name is Kurosaki Ichigo n' yo ass be a

Human

Until a ho named Rukia plunged her sword tha fuck into yo' body

And tha yo ass became a Humangami.

Yo Ass went on adventures wit playas

Then yo ass became a Hollmangami.

As if dat wasn't enough,

Yo Ass became a Vihollmangami

What tha actual Soul Society?

And then, ta fuck it all up,

Yo Ass became a Vihollmangamibranger.

And letz add a Quincy there too.

Is yo ass even a unique thug anymore and must yo ass insist on rippin other gangstasz species?

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Momo,

-stabs-

Ludd tha Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Tite Kubo,

Do yo ass want any further proof dat I be takin over Bleach, biatch? Just peep yo' backgrounds. What backgrounds, yo ass ask?

Exactly. I have been erasin dis ghetto of yours from tha beginning.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Cloud Piece,

This has gotten straight-up up of character. Delete dis n' yo' pathetic existence now, nahmeean?

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Kuchiki Byakuya,

If our crazy-ass asses had a baby together he would be tha Biatch of Glitterin Butterflies.

Just saying.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Espada,

Da meetin dis Sundizzle has been cizzlelled cuz of tha weather. Our thugged-out asses shall deal our deal do destroy tha ghetto on Tuesdizzle instead. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Do not forget ta brang a present fo' Tosen, whoz ass is celebratin his 400th birthdizzle on tha Wednesdizzle yo. Dude wanna ta gotz a book ta read.

Fridizzle lunch is on dis week. Our thugged-out asses is goin ta McHollow's. Brin tha soulz of yo' enemies ta pay fo' dat shit.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Soul Society,

I need mah glasses back. I can't peep n' I be havin one of mah minions write dis out. Brin mah glasses back ta mah crazy ass n' may consider not bustin yo' dirtnaps as fucked up as I had planned.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear reader,

I planned fo' yo ass ta read dis letter. I planned dis from tha straight-up beginning. In fact, I planned dis before yo ass was even born. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yes… all of yo' actions ta date have all played up in tha palm of mah hand.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I may be a condom

I may be a butterfly wit wings growin up of mah ass

I may gotz a mullet

I may have messed up tha Pokemon evolution cycle

But at least I've gotz a nose.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama.

* * *

Dear Yammy,

WHY THE FUCK DID I HIRE YOU YOU FUCKING ELEPHANT DUNG HEAD YOU GOT FUCKING OWNED BY 2 FUCKING INJURED CAPTAINS ARE YOU FUCKING WEAK OR SOMETHING AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET FIGHTING SCREENTIME WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID I EVER HIRE YOU.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

P.S. FUCK YOU YOU BIZZNITCH.

* * *

Dear Ukitake,

I be thinkin yo ass need a Doctor.

Dooweeeooo oooo ooo oooo

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dear Grimmjow,

Just cuz you've gotz yo' arm back do not mean yo ass is useful again.

Now git back up in tha kitchen n' make mah crazy ass a sandwich.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

Dearest Reader,

Yo ass is now under mah command. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo Crazy-Ass foolishnizz has covered yo' senses n' yo ass have not realised dat dis has all been mah plan.

-stab from behind-

Dopebye, loyal reader. Yo Ass was useful…

...For a reader.

Ludd tha pimped out Lord Aizen-sama

* * *

**Can I marry myself? **

**Also, who here likes Avatar the Last Airbender? I'M IN AN AVATARD PHASE. I need ta write a Avatar tha Last Airbender story. Like, now, nahmeean?**

**I be muthafuckin right behind yo ass n' I be not afraid ta stab yo ass if yo ass do not review. Nah, just kidding. Unless yo' name is Momo. Then I be bout ta stab you.**


End file.
